A few weeks ago I intended to blog about my self-esteem which was pretty low at that time but then suddently I felt as if it had somehow risen to more reasonably hights. But still one problem remained: I feel my self-esteem is like a wall (or some tall monument) under construction, however, with a inner structure so fragile, it is in costantly danger of crumpling to dust anytime at the first sight of severe failure. But at least right now I have myself in higher regards which has to be a good starting point.
What helps me the most is first of all the Word of God which clearly states that He has created me with a purpose and that He loves me! God has also given me gifts to which I should be extremely grateful: A great, caring family, friends who like me – and my sweet girlfriend Lea, whom I know loves me!
What then treatens to shatter my imaginary wall of self-esteem are thoughts about my different illnesses and bad experiences. I tend to feel less worthy because of my disabilities – mainly diabetes. Some time ago I had a bad habit of comparing myself to others who hadn’t those challenges. But since I know that I am as much worth as everybody else I have started to stop doing that and instead taking up those challenges and accepting them.
Right now as I’m writing I’m listening to Toby Mac’s “Stories”: “And the greatest lie that you have ever been told; is that you’re the only one to walk on this road!”
I’ve begun to move sight from myself towards the world which is good as I’ll focus less on myself and thereby I’ll hopefully think I’m as much worth as everybody else. I have also begun succeeding in different tasks and get some structure on my everyday life. I’ve also begun taking on challenges myself which is very exciting. The next thing I would like to do is to become more independent. It is, however, sometimes difficult for me but I think it’ll come. I know I have some strong opinions on subjects like ethics concerning movies, music and other media which affect us.
I’ve always wanted to have some things I was really good at. I guess I’ve always been good at school – for instance at elementary I graduated with one of the highest average marks they had ever had there. I’m also good at computer games.
Well, that was some thoughts – I think I’ll follow up with some more later..
writingsilverstring said,
11. March 2010 at 14:56
You are going in the right direction, darling. Big hugs!